Feline Groovy?

So what can I add to the cacophony of criticism surrounding Cats? Well, I can try to put this bonkers musical into context.

As a musician, the mother of a daughter with a degree in Musical Theatre and someone who has experienced its hallucinatory weirdness many times, I feel more than qualified to chip in with my unsolicited opinion.

In any normal universe Cats the Musical, based on the poems of T.S. Eliot and with no discernible plot, would never have seen the light of day. But to understand the phenomenon that is Cats we must take a trip back to the 1980s, when Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber first ascended to his throne of West End Theatre demi-god, and whimsical vanity projects were the order of the day: see also, Starlight Express - his even more crackers musical about trains on roller skates.

After two massive hits: Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita, Sir Andrew had the power and influence to do whatever he liked and was well on the way to taking over the known theatre world. In much the same way that Dominic Cummings is metaphorically sticking two fingers up at the British public by walking into No.10 with his buttocks semi-exposed - he did it, because he could!

Fast forward 30 years and film director Tom Hooper, fresh from his Les Mis ‘triumph’ and in an act of massive hubris, decides to have a crack at bringing Cats the Musical to the big screen.

I can imagine him at the planning stage: “It’s gonna be fab! We’ll make shed loads of money. There's a ready made audience with a much loved West End musical that ran for over 20 years. Let’s bring it up to date with some cutting edge CGI and a cast of A-listers. What could possibly go wrong?” Lots apparently.

It’s called Cats the Musical for a very good reason and Tom should never have touched this, not even with with a very long extended barge pole.

So why does it fail so spectacularly? Well, leaving aside the CGI deficiencies and total lack of a plot, it's really quite simple - some of the performances are a bit mediocre. I was going to use a four letter word that rhymes with hit, but thought better of it.

Rebel Wilson is a fabulous comedy actress, but as a non dancer what can she possibly bring to the table as Jennyanydots? The answer is a big fat zero. Her undeniable comedic skills hardly compensate for the absence of what was originally intended to be a song with a showstopping tap routine. So what do we get instead? A lot of mugging to camera and falling over. Hilarious, not!

Jason Derulo is a great singer and has some slick moves, but he doesn’t exactly have charisma oozing from every pore - absolutely essential for the part of Rum Tum Tugger. Anyone interested can go on You Tube and search for John Partridge’s definitive Rum Tum Tugger. A tour de force!

And don't get me started on Taylor Swift - never has the phrase ‘awful fascination’ been more apt. Although she was only on screen for five minutes, it was a very long five minutes. Bombalurina is generally accepted to be the sexiest cat, so why would you cast someone, who has all the sex appeal of a carpet in such an iconic role?

Part of the appeal of Cats is the way in which the cast cleverly embody these elegant creatures and much rehearsal time is spent on this aspect of the production. Unfortunately, when required to walk forward in a straight line, Taylor struggles to put one foot in front of the other. I'd love to know why, when all the other cats are barefoot, was she given a pair of high heels which made her look even more ungainly. What was costume thinking?

Added to this are vocals which are delivered in exactly the same breathy manner as every other pop song she has ever sung. Here was an opportunity to step outside the box and try something a bit different, but she bottled it, preferring to remain in her comfort zone.

I could go on about Idris Elba's Macavity the Mystery cat, who was more of a comedy cat, but I'm losing the will to live.

At the heart of this film is a much bigger mystery than Macavity and it is quite simply: how on God’s earth was it so dull? Two weeks later and I still can't figure out why the music was such a crashing disappointment. Considering Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber was involved in this production, why were the orchestral arrangements so flat?

At the theatre there is a real buzz when the opening number begins and I was waiting for that moment on screen, but nothing happened. Where was the sense of excitement and anticipation? It was all very muted and strangely low key, with none of the drama, joy and whimsy of the stage show. Unfortunately, the opening five minutes set the tone for the rest of the film, which lacked any tension and felt rather like wading through mud.

The most successful parts of the film came from singers and dancers with a ballet/musical theatre background: Francesca Heyward, a dancer from the Royal Ballet, is enchanting as the cat Victoria - she moves beautifully and her sweet, clear voice perfectly suits her character; Jennifer Hudson as Grizabella can 'belt' - a musical theatre vocal technique - for America, but also handles the quieter moments of ‘Memories’ beautifully with superb acting through song; and James Cordon could have been born to play Bustopher Jones.

As a director you need to know your audience and considering a large proportion are going to be Musical Theatre devotees, it doesn't take a degree in Musical Theatre to understand that they are going to feel a bit peeved if some of the performances are nowhere near the standard to be expected, even at a provincial theatre.
So, Tom, here’s a radical idea: if you have a crack at another musical, how about casting people on their ability to sing and dance first and foremost and if you desperately must have A-listers, choose people who can act, sing and dance simultaneously. It's not rocket science!